putting the 'b' in subtle...

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

 
The Man Who

People ask me "who are you?"
I am me or me am I
Even after I reply
"The man who."
"The man who what?"
"Who What? Just who."
"I'd rather leave that up to you."
"oh," they say and walk away.
People ask "Then who am I?"
"How should I know?" I reply
"You are you" I suppose
"but could be him or them or those."
"Or just me wearing different clothes"
"Oh," they say and walk on by.
~Travis
Carrie 11:54 PM

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

 
Hmm, went kind of on a defensive rant there yesterday, didn't I? Sorry 'bout that.

I woke up to my alarm saying, "the latest shooting, this morning...", and drove to work through police road blocks. Really, I just have nothing to say about this, beyond the fact that I can't believe there was another one. I got out of bed and walked downstairs because I could hear they were awake down there. I came down and just walked in a circle and right back up the stairs because I realized it would be kind of pointless to really say anything, and I didn't know what to say anyway.
Carrie 5:29 PM

Monday, October 21, 2002

 
Homecoming was really great. I loved being back at Gettysburg. Just walking around campus was so familiar and comforting and yet, I felt a bit foreign as well. It's fabulous to walk in and visit old friends/professors/employers and see how truly glad they are to see you, like it reinforces a tie there, and sometimes it's as if you were just in school there yesterday. Sitting in the Junction listening to Jess Klein, I just looked across the room out the windows and could picture the Dining Center out there through the dark, in a view I've seen a thousand times, and it felt like I both belonged and didn't.

While walking around campus in the afternoons, I used to stop and think, "It really is beautiful here..." I still do.

And it was just really great to hang out with friends. Altogether, I had a fantastic weekend, but the more I hear other people's views, the more I start to feel bad. Everyone seems to think this was a weekend of revelations, that along with "coming home" and seeing people we hadn't seen in a while, we learned more than we had thought of about some of our friends. Well, good, I hope so! It has been a while, you know, we are out of school and we have been growing up and changing. I like to know that my friends have various sides to themselves. Maybe that's because I've never thought they've seen all of me. (We joke that my nickname is StealthGirl and that I can walk in and out of rooms and not be seen, or seem to just appear places. But all that really means is that no one notices when I walk into a room. It's actually quite sad if you think about it. Do I really make so little of an impression?) Everyone has a desire for the people closest to them to know them. It's a horrible feeling to be with friends and yet feel alone or misunderstood or afraid to share something. I've actually been going through something quite hard this past year that only a very few people know about because I don't feel comfortable to really talk about it.

And yes, I acted a bit uncharacteristically this weekend. But you know what, I don't feel bad about it. I enjoyed it. I may have wished the circumstances different, but not the fact that it happened. Maybe people have just thought of me for so long as naive little Carrie, the quiet little one. Now, of course, I don't make a habit out of doing what I did this weekend. And no one situation is ever the same for every one of us. This wasn't my real side, just a little evidence that, you know, I do have many and there are things that people don't know, things I want to share, things I sometimes have to keep myself from screaming out, because I feel scared to share, scared that that information is going to change the view people have of me and that I'll always wonder, when I'm with them, if they are sitting there disapproving of me and always hiding it. Yes, I know it was not the smartest thing to do. We all do things that are both right and wrong. You don't have to like what I do, but we're all different. Just please understand that I am as judgemental of myself as anyone else can be. And that can really be enough of a burden.

People talk about not really knowing themselves, but the funny thing is, I find myself learning about myself all the time. I've done stuff I never thought I would do, both good and bad. Things that I knew were, and still think are, stupid, things I used to wonder if I could do if the situation ever came up, and things I used to judge people for and think, "how could they do that, how does that just happen?" Well, it does. Things, sometimes, just happen, and it doesn't make you a bad person. And sometimes people say things, not to flaunt or brag, but to try, in some way, to let others see them in a different way, kind of a "look at me, no ...really look at me! There is more to me than you think!" But you know, I've also done some amazing things that I always hoped I would, and will continue to do! Sometimes I'm just so surprised and amazed at the things I find out about myself. My ideas and opinions and actions are always changing, and I hope they don't stop. But, by all means, there is still an enormous amount I still have no clue about, and that just adds to me.

I find myself with so many thoughts going around, so many things I think I want to say, and yet, I keep sitting back and rereading, thinking "Is that right? Is that what I'm trying to say?" I think I'm just rambling at this point and not making the sense that I want to be making.

Carrie 4:09 PM

Thursday, October 17, 2002

 
So very excited! Our plane tickets for Scotland came yesterday! Or rather, they tried to come. We were not home. Fed Ex will hopefully be dropping them by again today. Can't even say how happy I am about this trip! And pretty much all is taken care of now. Two more months, I can't wait!

Also very exciting - it's Gettysburg's Homecoming this weekend. I am off work tomorrow and heading up early so I might be able to catch some professors and others who won't be there during the weekend. I'm really excited. It's been a long time since I've been on campus, and I loved campus so much. Even last time I was in Gettysburg, I didn't actually get on campus. Plus, the first Homecoming, I was in Scotland, last year's kind of fell apart and not many people went, but I was in Cancun anyway. So I'm looking forward to a really great weekend. And everyone's excited about it too. It's like we're giddy little kids!
Carrie 1:24 PM

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

 


Which Princess Bride Character are You?
this quiz was made by mysti

what movie symbolism are you? find out!


What Egyptian Deity are you? go to:the quiz!

You're Horus, egyptian god of the sky. You lived to revenge your father against Seth, who betrayed and slew him. You defeated him after an 80 year struggle, losing an eye in the process, and then castrated him when you won. You got your eye back, but you gave it to your father, Osiris. How sweet.

Ha ha ha!
Carrie 1:48 PM

Monday, October 07, 2002

 
Bungee jumping...pretty damn cool, let me tell you! Pretty damn scary too.

Though actually, the more I think about it, I'm surprised at how easily I did do it. After watching 4 people in a row, I was like, 'Okay, I can do this, I'm gonna do this.' I've always thought it would be cool and wanted to try it, but wondered if I'd have the nerve when it came to it. Guess so! Go me! I didn't really rethink it or hesitate at all after I'd made the decision, though I kind of answered with a nervous laugh whenever they spoke to me! Stepping out on the ledge 150 feet up was pretty freaky though, like, 'whoaa, so I'm just gonna jump into all that nothingness out there, huh?!' I felt his arm against my back (don't think he would have pushed, but I felt it there very securely!), he counted down from 3 and I closed my eyes, leaned forward and just...let go, without thinking.

And it was so cool, and I'd do it again!

Yeah, all this is because I spent the weekend in South Padre Island, Texas. Yes, this was for work. On Saturday, I walked into Mexico, and then back again a little later. How cool is that?! I walked across the border of 2 countries for lunch and then came back again. Going over was 50 cents and you had to go through a turn-style, like it was an amusement park or something! Surreal...

On the plane home from Houston, I sat and watched a lightning storm from above the clouds. Has to be one of the coolest things I've ever seen. We were just above the level of the clouds and it was just to the left of us, so I had a perfect view of the lightning in the clouds for a good half hour or more, including the single lightning bolts that look cool enough from the ground. Just incredible!

So, it was a pleasant weekend. You know, because yes, you are in a nice sunny vacation spot, but we do actually do work, contrary to popular belief! Plus, you're there with no one you know, which, I guess, has its pros and cons. So, to recap: eticket check-in machines - wow, technology frighteningly easy, a little...too easy; process of getting from one place to another via car, metro, shuttle, plane, bus, etc. - something I sickeningly enjoy; South Padre Island - very small, reminds me much of the Jersey Shore, though very different at the same time; walking across national borders - really weird, especially with coin operated turn-styles and a bridge over water separating the two, but very cool, border towns are something quite unique; bungee jumping - high, dark (I did it at night), small little ledge, kind of amazing though, finding yourself letting go; cheesecake at Louie's Backyard - oh...my...ohhhhhhh; chocolate martini's - mmmmmmmmm; aerial view of mother nature's show - jaw dropping; finding Benny safe and well where I left him (he is my car, by the way) - "almost-home" comforting.


Carrie 5:37 PM

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

 
beautiful day...I so love fall
Carrie 5:33 PM