putting the 'b' in subtle...

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

 
I went home this weekend, up to Pennsylvania. I went to see my house for the last time. It was sold, and my family is moving out. By this Friday. We've lived there for 14-15 years. It was brand new when we moved in, we picked the colors and the design. And I just spent the weekend helping to clear it out and pack things away. I can't believe it really. It may sound silly to some, but it was my house, where my family always was. I walked around each room Sat. night and thought of stuff that happened (because I'm just like that): Laughing with my family in the kitchen, feeding my dog Thanksgiving scraps from the dining room table, wrestling with my brother through the hallway, sleepovers with friends, family Christmas Eve's with the 15 foot tree, kissing my boyfriend goodnight at the bottom of the stairs, the list goes on and on. I was like, 11, when we moved in, so it's really the house I grew up in. Everything holds some sort of memory.

And then I feel like I'm not doing enough, like I should have called out of work and stayed all week to help more. I don't think it's quite sunk in yet, that I'll never enter that house again. At the end of this week, it'll be someone else's and I admit, I cried when I drove away. The sight of my mom, sister and brother standing in the doorway just looked so sad. For goodness sakes, the sight of a pair of socks made me cry yesterday. An email made me cry today. Things just are all so...not right. Yes, it's vague, I know, but the best I can do. I don't care how corny or overly dramatic it sounds, I just feel lost, in everything. It's not just the move either. I can't remember when I last felt so uncertain about things, and well, scared.
Carrie 12:19 AM